There are many avenues for you to meet like-minded couples.
Classified ads, online chat rooms, online bulletin boards,
lifestyle magazines available at your local adult store, strip
clubs that cater to lifestyles or host "Couples Nights",
clubs, and others. There is no single possibility that you have
to do. Pick one or more that you feel comfortable with and take
it slow. And, you will probably have found the first thing you
have in common with another couple! If you hate strip clubs and
like online chat rooms, in a chat room you will most likely find
couples who also do not like strip clubs.
If you are communicating with a couple either online or through
a classified, it would be wise to take a few safety precautions:
Get a P.O. Box to receive mail rather than giving out your home
Keep first meetings short and in a public place. It can be real
uncomfortable to plan a whole evening with a couple only to find
that you do not get along.
Keep meetings on a "no strings attached" basis.
Talk on the phone first. Talk to both partners to ensure they
are a couple and both seem to be interested in the lifestyle.
You can learn a lot about a couple over the phone.
Create a separate online mailbox to receive and send email to
new couples to ensure your privacy.
Regardless of how long you have been in the lifestyle, bad
situations do happen. And they happen to everyone. It won't take
long before you talk to someone who had an experience where one
person started crying, or a person was being too rough and
There is no test to give people beforehand, and even experienced
people sometimes feel jealous or lose their mood. The best thing
to do is "Stop!". It might not be easy at the time. In fact, it
will probably be one of the hardest things you ever find
yourself doing. But the next day, you will be happy that you
took control of the situation and did what was right for you. It
certainly will not be easy if you see your spouse having a great
time while you are figuring out your grocery list in your head.
You might even feel compelled to keep going, as you wouldn't
want to spoil everyone else's fun.
But you need to be in control of you and not worry about anyone
else. If you chose a true lifestyle couple, they will be
understanding and supportive. Plus, your primary concern should
be your partner, not the other couple's feelings. If they don't
understand that, too bad. Then you will know that either they
aren't in the lifestyle for the right reasons or that they just
aren't the right couple for you.
It's important to discuss this eventuality with your spouse
before it even happens. Some couples have come to the agreement
that if they find themselves in that situation, they will
quietly excuse themselves and feel comfortable with their
partner continuing. In reality, this type of agreement will
probably change from one situation to another. If it is the
other woman making your wife uncomfortable, then it's doubtful
she would appreciate you continuing. Remember, this is about
your relationship and your partner. If they feel uncomfortable
with ANY situation, you need to be supportive and available to
Tips to get out if you need to:
- Be honest - tell the person you are with that you are feeling uncomfortable.
The hardest choice, but by far the best.
- Bathroom break
- a great way to stop the heat of the moment and give you a
chance to look in the mirror and remember that you come
- Get a drink
- Cigarette break
- Step outside for fresh air
- Anything that
will give you back your control of the situation. This is
supposed to feel good. If you are uncomfortable, then it's
An amazing amount of couples find it difficult to talk directly
and honestly. When getting together with a new partner, it's
almost impossible to have a good experience without
clear communication. It's not insulting and very necessary. We
can't stress enough how important communication is. No one can
know instinctively what his/her partner will enjoy or not enjoy.
None of us are mind readers and, when not pointed in the right
direction, end up stumbling around in the dark. You don't have
to have a long & drawn out discussion, but you should at least
lay some ground rules.
Communication also helps everyone be at ease. There is nothing
worse than 4 people sitting around a room waiting for someone to
bring up the inevitable. But once, it is brought up, everyone
Never take anything for granted. Make sure you are all on the
same page ahead of time. What is appropriate, enjoyable and OK
may vary from occasion to occasion, even with the same couple.
Just don't assume.
Depending on the club or group you are socializing with, the
attitudes towards including single men and women into the fun
can be quite diverse.
Many people feel that singles, especially single men, have no
place in the lifestyle. Others feel that by including singles,
it expands the boundaries.
Talk with your spouse about how you feel about including singles
into your circle of friends.
Many couples do not like to include singles because of the lack
of a long term relationship and feel that a single person could
pose a threat to their relationship.
Others feel that including a single is just adding a new
dimension since the single person is just being used as a "toy".
Also many people have commented on how singles perceive
themselves when invited by a couple. Many single men feel that
they are providing something to a relationship that to them is
lacking. They sometimes consider themselves
to be a third part of the relationship.
As a group, you will find people in the lifestyle to be very
open and honest about their experiences. Most will even share
from their personal experiences to help and show you support.
With that said, do not ask for specifics. The names of other
couples they have been with is personal and should be
confidential. You might be thinking, "But what about my safety.
I want to know if a couple was with someone I think might not be whom we may want to party with."
"But what if they are with a couple we had a bad experience
with. We should let them know what jerks they are, right?"
Listen, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and many
couples get themselves in a deep hole by putting themselves in
the middle of two other couples. Remember what is important, you
and your spouse. Nobody else.
We are not saying that you shouldn't tell someone about a couple
that put you in danger. But there is a fine line between helping and hurting a
situation. If you choose to become involved, you must be
prepared for any result.
The same is true in reverse. It is never a good idea to talk
with other couples about who you have been with. Generalities
are fine, and can be quite enlightening in a conversation.
You'll find that if you do not talk about other couples and
refuse to listen to dirt about other couples, you can keep
conversations and friendships fun and you can be fun to be
Every club and most individuals have a standard of conduct. The
one universal rule is
NO MEANS NO
Here is a basic list of rules, although it should not be
considered complete, but a starter.
- NO means NO! Always!
- Safe fun is the only fun!
- This is about having fun, nothing more.
- The lifestyle can enhance a strong, honest, healthy relationship.
It will not salvage a shaky marriage, but destroy it.
- Your primary concern, and the person you leave with is your
- Build friendships. You don't have to party with someone for
them to be your friend. And having lifestyle friends can be a
great support system.
- There is nothing less attractive than a drunk, or spaced-out
- Take it slow. Its not a race, but a journey.
- Go with the flow. If things don't seem to be working out one
evening, don't force it. After all, if you don't enjoy their
company, do you really want to party with them anyway?
- Be honest. If you meet a couple and it doesn't click, say
something. We are all adults and can handle the truth. If they
can't, you are better off finding out early anyway.
- Be respectful. Pushy people are the biggest turnoff.
- Talk to your partner about every possible scenario. Sooner
or later, you will find yourself in it. (Example - you are not
having fun, while your spouse is having a great time. What would
like the other to do - stop, leave the room and allow the others
to continue, etc.).
"Who goes to lifestyle clubs, and what kind of people will we meet?"
The answer is as diverse as our society. You will meet, doctors,
lawyers, mechanics, housewives, butchers, bakers and candlestick
With a community that diverse, you will most probably find
people like yourself.
What's important is finding people with similar attitudes. At
first, you will most definitely find people more "advanced" than
you. By that, we mean people that have been in the lifestyle
awhile and have lost many of the inhibitions you might have. You
will probably also find others that are at the same place as
you. Even if you are not interested in a physical relationship
with them, they still might be fun to be around, and can be the
beginning of a great support system for you.
You will also run into people you do not particularly care for.
That's OK. Just as in real life, you can't expect to like
everyone, and can't expect everyone to like you. But you can
still be nice and social. If they want more from you, politely
tell them you are not interested. Most people will listen.
When you do run into those occasional pushy people, just be firm
and tell tem you are not interested. They will get the idea
sooner or later. Be blunt, if need be. After all, we are all
adults, and can handle the truth.
Here you are, with the kids at the babysitters, enjoying a glass
of wine with another couple. If it's your first time, or theirs,
everyone is probably nervous, not knowing what to do first. If
you haven't done so already, now would be a great time to talk
about your limits, what you feel comfortable with, etc. Talking
it out first might seem weird to whoever brings it up first, but
you know its on everyone's mind. More than likely, everyone will
breathe a sigh of relief that it's out on the table.
Many couples, including us, find it easier to start with our own
partners. Don't be afraid to keep a
dialogue going with the other couple. If you can keep talking,
joking and laughing, you will keep everyone at ease and bring
something new and exciting to your experience.